The Washington Redskins have been under attack by the politically correct gestapo for years now. The P.C. corps (maybe 10 drops of Native American blood among them) say the team name is offensive. So, let’s change the name to something less offensive and satisfy everybody.

First, we have to do away with the name Washington. George Washington was a slave owner and must no longer be honored for anything he accomplished due to that one fact. Second, Redskins is as offensive to some as being called black, brown, white or mauve. It’s far too descriptive.

A new name might be Honored Hunters. Wait, PETA and vegan alert! Can’t have that. Animal killers just won’t cut it. How about Brave Warriors? Nope.  That’s offensive to our current president who finds bravery despicable. And warrior, well that connotes aggression. Rule that out.

Perhaps the Burgundy and Gold Fleet Feet? That should be universal enough.  Nah, that might confuse people who are color blind and make them feel less than whole. And, what about lower extremity amputees? Chuck that suggestion.

We can also discard any animal names – Jaguars, Lions, Eagles, etc. That would either remind people of predators or prey because that is the animal world. Certainly we can’t use names of any domesticated animals like dog or cat either because that would indicate diminution, dependence and subservience. Calling them Democrats might be generic enough, though.

I think we’re getting close.

The New Orleans Saints now have a problem, too. The name Saints is offensive to any atheist, so it has to go. And the logo, an artful representation of a lilly, simply cannot reside. Despite it’s provenance as a symbol of French monarchy, and its continued and honored use throughout the ages in Europe and the Mediterranean region, a select few people censure it as a mark dominance. Runaway slaves were sometimes branded with the image when returned to their owners.

Perhaps if we are considerate to all and simply identify football teams numerically it might satisfy the few dissonants. This week is the Team #4 against Team #9. We can’t have team rankings, though, because that is elitist and the lower ranked team members or fans might cry. Of course, we have to eliminate #13 from the name lineup to appease the superstitious. Wives against Gambling (WAGS) see the #s 7 and 11 as evil so they must go as well.

Aw hell, let’s just do away with all sports because some people are just too uncoordinated to partake and they will be offended. Dancing? Gotta go. Singing is out for the tone deaf. Reading? Eliminate that, too.

The seventh century is looking better and better to me now. I think I’ll stop by a Mosque today and look into converting.

Oh, don’t get upset now.  I mean, it’s not like I drew a picture of a barbaric child molester.


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